Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
