i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
