I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
