I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
