He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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