i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
