i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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