I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Someone signed my nipple.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
