I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
