A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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