I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Two words: blizzard sex
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
