New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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