I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
