you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
