I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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