seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
