rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
