when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
