I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
