Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
