it was like eating out sand paper
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
