you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
