If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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