my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
