I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
