I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I AM VODKA MAN
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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