Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
