I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
