i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
