That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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