I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
