god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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