I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
