im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
