I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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