she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
