when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
