someone get that fucking seahorse.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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