2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
