you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
