I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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