watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
