he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
