You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
