why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
