I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
