I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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