Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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