Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
