i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
